Politeness and Etiquette:
What Is It Saying About You?
Politeness is a concept believed in heavily by some and thought of mildly by others. It can show what level of tact one has in social context. The dictionary defines “polite” as showing consideration for others and observance of accepted social usage. Having a notion such as, “I will hold the door open for another because it is the polite thing to do,” or, “I will say 'God bless you' when someone sneezes,” is to observe and accept a social standard set by the community of which you are a member at the moment. And, when an individual is being polite, he or she is showing a level of considerateness for those around, either friend or stranger. This preferred behavior is good and it transcends time and cultural borders.
The concept of politeness is important in the public expression of one's self. It can show whether an individual cares about themselves and about the people who are in the surrounding environment. If one shows little or no consideration for another, if one does not care about those he or she comes in contact with, then why should anyone show care and consideration for that individual? Behavior can be reciprocating and sometimes that can affect an individual's social status and ability to properly communicate with others.
Those who support the prescription that each individual ought to be polite are acknowledging that etiquette, or the practices prescribed by social convention, helps define the individual in accordance to his or her social participation. They also acknowledge that this has some relative importance. For, if one is impolite, what attitude and behavior can follow from something as minute as not looking back to see if the door should be held open for someone else or not?
Those that argue against this notion do not see how one can become discredited merely by being rude. For instance, imagine someone is going for an important job interview, and he or she does not stop to let a pedestrian cross at a crosswalk outside the building in which the interview is to take place. The pedestrian sees the driver and thinks how impolite that was not to stop (not to mention the illegality of such act in some places). Not too long afterward, that same driver walks in and sits down to be interviewed by that very pedestrian. Is that interviewer going to think highly of this person being interviewed? The fact that that driver did not abide by the standard of merely stopping at a crosswalk puts into question the rest of that individual's character. More than likely, due to that, the attitude of the interviewer will not be very positive about this interviewee.
Due to that driver communicating that he or she did not care enough about the interviewer (when as a pedestrian) to stop at the crosswalk, that driver potentially lost out on receiving a great job with great benefits. In this instance, it was impolite not to let the pedestrian cross in the crosswalk. Is it not? That instance of impoliteness had consequences that are seemingly detrimental to the livelihood of that driver. So, an individual's overall actions can have tremendous importance whether one sees that or not. It is not based on the individual acting, but rather those around receiving the messages communicated from that individual in action.
In recent times, I have been the victim of impoliteness and having others be rude to me calls that individual's character into question. An actual general question brought up is: what is wrong with that person? This question points out a sense of disorder and strain on what is prescribed for me. As follows, are people so thoughtless these days that they are not aware of their surroundings? When was being rude something to go along and get away with? Do people just not care anymore?
And so, I have chosen this idea of politeness, angled at rudeness, on which to focus my study. Occurrences, such as sneezing and then getting a “God bless you” afterward, or holding the door open for another and saying, “Thank you,” are speech acts that assume normative rules of politeness and etiquette. In looking at these acts, I will touch upon Dell Hymes' inspection of social units in society as well as the use of normative rules formulated by Donal Carbaugh.
In exercising this study, I conducted informal interviews with three students abroad from England (participants A, B, and C) as well as observation. My observations came from simply noticing people around me sneezing and seeing how those around that person responded, with a “God bless you” or not, followed with a potential response dependent upon the initial response. I also viewed doorway occurrences, five at each location, those being at the University of Massachusetts Campus Center main entrance, the Field Hall dormitory main entrance and a Franklin Dining Hall entrance. In analyzing the data and instances that I observed, I considered what each person was doing and what implications and reasoning existed in what happened or did not happen. Then made judgments based on what I developed.
There are some premises to keep in mind when thinking about the process by which “God bless you” comes about and also the notion of a door being held for someone. The first is that it is customary to make some response to a person sneezing in American culture. If there is nothing after a sneeze yet there are others around to take note, then it becomes surprising and looked at as rude that no one has said anything. Does no one care about this person or care to follow the construct developed over generations of habit and script? It can be deemed impolite, nevertheless.
It is also considered polite to hold the door open for someone else. In doing so, one is seen as considerate of the person behind just for even thinking to look back and see if anyone is following close behind. By thinking of others, an individual is symbolically portraying a sense of being a part of that community. Politeness is a positive aspect to any member of a community, though being polite is defined differently from community to community.
Between all three interviews conducted, I obtained generally the same answers and reasoning. My initial cause for interviewing these three gentlemen was due to the fact that when I would sneeze around either three, they would never say anything nor respond to my sneeze in any way. Receiving no response after sneezing is a bit of an oddity to me if I am around others, as I always expect some recognition. Participant A, a 20-year-old from London, told me that it is not wholly customary in Britain to say “God bless you” primarily because a lot of them are not very religious. “It's there (religion), of course, but loads are non-practicing,” pointed out participant B, a 20-year-old Welshman. Participant A did say that it can happen because it is not completely foreign to the people, but it is not amidst in popular culture. Therefore, to them, it is not being rude if they sneeze and no one says anything, nor do they find that they are being rude by not saying anything to a sneezer. Whereas in American culture, it's polite to say “God bless you.” This is not to insinuate that Brits are impolite, at the moment.
There are two patterns of action to focus on here. First is the sneezing situation. The act sequence with this is:
1. someone sneezes, regardless of the reason,
2. someone else sees and/or hears the sneezing,
3. the response to the sneezer or lack thereof a verbal one, and
4. reply of gratitude.
Some things to call to mind are that if no one is around the sneezer to recognize, then there is no potential for a comment. Also, it is not important why the sneezer has sneezed and the lack of a verbal response does not discount any response at all, sometimes people notice that someone else has sneezed but say nothing.
In my observations during classes, at the dining halls, and in the library, it has been shown to me to be more popular to saying, “God bless you” or just “bless you” to one another than nothing. At the dining hall, the people that I observed were together in some respect. Four out of six such groups that I noticed had all said something in response, minus a group of young, white females of college age and the Brits that I was accompanying. In the reading area at the library on campus, there were two such instances. Each time a different female sneezed and a male reading nearby looked up to say “bless you.” One female looked over and said, “thank you,” while another simply said, “thanks.” And lastly, in two classrooms, both of the smaller variety of 30 students or less, is where I viewed my last three observations. One was a male sneezing and a female saying “God bless you.” To which he replied, “Thank you.” Another male sneezed and a male said “bless you,” but got no “thanks.” And thirdly, a female had sneezed and a male said “bless you,” and she said, “thank you.”
The belief behind “God bless you” is entirely religious, it is about showing care to the one that sneezes indicating that you hope God will bless them so that their soul does not escape their body. The religious aspect may explain why there may not be a large hold on the idea of this phrase in British life. It does not seem to be the case that people are merely impolite. In American culture, while most seem to abide by the etiquette, it seems to almost be a pattern of gender responsiveness or passivity.
The sneezing situation seems an optional act though, especially in Britain from where the act sequence of parts 3 and 4 are more notably missing. It clearly is a habitual act that Americans have come to accept and use. In America, it does seem to be the case that it is a sign of respect and politeness. In Britain, it merely seems to be an overtly thoughtful speech act that is “overdoing” it of sorts, and is unnecessary. At any rate, it appears that rules like in this case are still known but that politeness is not as important. It may be the case that “God bless you” is just something that people say or do not say.
For the doorway situation, the act sequence is as follows:
1. the first person gets to the door and opens it,
2. acknowledges a person coming from behind,
3. first person holds door open in some manner for following person,
4. following person thanks first person.
In this situation, the first person can either hold the door for the following person to get to and stay behind first person, or the first person can hold the door open and allow the following person to go ahead of first person.
With my observations with doorway occurrences, the majority of people held the door open for another. I noticed that a person will go to the door, open it in order to pass, and then look behind to see if someone is coming behind them. Of the 15 occurrences, 10 were like this. The five instances that a person did not hold the door open for another, they did not check behind them or look around to see if someone needs the door held. Of those five instances, one each was at the Franklin Dining Hall and the UMass Campus Center. Three other times it occurred at the Field Hall dormitory.
The doorway situation seems obligatory. I had not noticed anyone not looking for the person in front of them to hold the door. In other words, people want others to hold the door open if possible. The people that did not hold a door open for another seemed to be in another state, either running off somewhere too quickly to hold the door, or were on their cell phone and were preoccupied to hold the door. It was not observed that someone simply did not understand to hold the door for another.
There is no significant pattern as for the setting or the participants of the doorway situations, though there is a pattern and a ritual involved. It was observed that the majority of people either held the door open for another or at least looked to see if anyone needed the door held, or the very least the following person looked at the door to be held by others for others in that social act, and in doing so one is being courteous and polite.
What constitutes politeness or proper etiquette in certain situations? It is defined with a cultural basis. The social rules, whether important ones like not to kill or small rules like holding doors, constitute how we behave in our environment. Normative rules give us an outline and a predetermined script for the way we ought to live. In following these predetermined rules, or for those that choose to adhere to them, it exhibits a connection between people of a culture practicing the rule, or even interculturally connecting persons. One of the bases for humanity is connection, and even the smallest parts to life can allow us to feel connected to one another.
When one is impolite, how is it that people render that? Going against a script causes social drama and is looked down upon. It is saying that the one causing social drama does not care about his or her neighbor. In being discourteous, another can feel disrespected and a level of disconnectedness occurs. I have seen on my own accord and have had this agreed upon, that there are times when social groups together will comment on someone being impolite. A sign of impoliteness whether significant or small, to disconcert a socially accepted rule, causes problems with character and socially sound behavior. Though these situations of social drama can help us reflect on our own status of belief on a structured and scripted life, it is still a discouraging spot to find oneself placed in respect to a socially dramatic or unnecessarily dramatic scene.
These instances of behavior and attitude, of proper etiquette and social drama, transcend to other occurrences in life. Politeness is only one aspect to defining the behavior of individuals in social settings and what attitudes develop from that etiquette. Morality and goodness, prescription and proscription, and any other multitude of attributes associated with definition and development of character and personality are all viable aspects. It is these characteristics and attributes that define a person not based on that individual’s choice, but by others who see him or her in action. It is this use of language and communication, both verbal and nonverbal, which gauges how one is defined in social settings.
The difference in these expressive systems shows that politeness is idealized into the genre of oughtness whereas other aspects can be argued into different categories. Some acts that an individual performs may not be something that he or she ought to do, but rather is a preference or merely something that is allowable but not entirely accepted. Look to the example that the British gentlemen put forth and see, too, how different societies have different ideas about the same act. But while Americans could define the English as rude or uncaring, that could also be a judgment based on a misunderstanding not easy with which to come to grasp.
Through this study, I have learned that I have a passion for the little things in life that do not seem so significant. These little things are important because how many people have lives that are defined my major moments? These things which define our identity and character help others decipher what we can do and what we are about. If an individual seems like an uncaring and unsympathetic individual, will anyone else aware of this ever bother look for some compassion from that person? It is that type of attitude to which there is a preference to keep away from, and anyone would be all right in accepting that.
The idea in all this is that politeness ought to be considered important in a society of individuals going about their business. Since this is a society shaped by differences among individuals, and that everyone is unique and different, there becomes a level of connection when one shows consideration for another. This idea is important in the grand scheme of life in which people are vying for respect and their own piece of existence. The next time one holds a door open for you or says “God bless you” when you sneeze, be gracious enough to understand that it did not have to happen, but that that consideration for you and for the social convention of being polite is shown and respected and should be appreciated.
